And in this corner....

Asking for help isn't easy for me. Not talking about at work.  Asking for help at work is no sweat.  I know my limits. Even more important, someone else's well being may be affected if I don't ask for help and try to do something on my own.  Help is easy at work. And as I've said before, I work with the best of the best when it comes to work, so asking for assistance is easy.  I'm talking about the type of  help one needs in everyday life. I'm fairly, scratch that, fiercely independant.  Been that way for most of my life. Some of my independance is from being single and I'm very proud of being able to take care of myself.  Some of my independance is survival. (My earlier life forced "taking care of myself" upon me - but that's a whole other story) This is where asking for help is hard.  It's like a war inside.  I know I shouldn't feel like I'm a failure for not being "capable" or whatever.  Or know that it's ok to depend on others. Maybe that's the problem.  It's not my independance, it's learning to rely on others.  And sometimes, I want to be ok with depending on others, I want to be a "girl".  I want someone to swoop in and do the heavy lifting or the defending or ....  change a flat tire.  This happened the other day.  Now, I've had a flat or two.  I don't freak out.  I even know how to change a tire. I just didn't want to change my tire.  I didn't want to be the strong independant, "I can take care of anything" woman.  I wanted to be a "girl".  I was pulling into my usual breakfast spot, Sweet Betty's, with a couple of my girlfriends (who also struggle with their own battles of fierce independance - but that's for their blogs) when I got a flat. I so didn't want to deal with it. But it was mine to deal with, right?? I half jokingly texted my friend Lance. Told him I'd buy him breakfast if he would come change my tire. Not 10 minutes later, I looked up and saw his truck parked outside.  I was so happy that my friend came to help and yet felt awful that not only was I putting him out at 8:30 in the morning, what did this say about me and my abilities to take care of myself? On his way to the church, he didn't have time to join us for breakfast, but would be happy to change my tire....And so the boxing match began...."And in this corner-- weighing in at a ton of bricks--37 year champion "Fierce Independance"......and in the other corner, weighing in at a mere feather, our underdog "Inner Girl".
I told him it was fine.  I would just call Les Schwab. "Don't worry about it, " I said. Then the Father stepped in, telling me to let the "girl" win.... Not really a fair fight, when God gets involved, right??? It was so stinkin' hard!  To allow my friend to change my tire.  My friend who is pretty much my brother, who's family -  it took all of my being to let him help me.
so here it is.  Here's the challenge.  How do I allow my inner girl to win without the Father stepping in?  Do you realize how much IKEA furniture I've put together by myself the last few months because I didn't want to ask for help?  I mean I put together a couch.... A couch....!  Just because I was too proud/afraid/stubborn to ask someone to come help me.  I brag about all that I do all by myself, when really I'm just sad that I didn't have help.  But you can't get help without asking for it...

Best and Worst

Best part of my job: Holding babies and snuggling them
Worst part of my job: Holding kiddos down for something that is painful (i.e. lab draws, IV's etc)

Best part of my job: Helping kiddos feel better
Worst part of my job: Kiddos not feeling better no matter what I/we do

Best part of my job: Getting "high 5's" from patients
Worst part of my job: Getting kicked in the face by patients (see the first one for why)

Best part of my job: Night shift
Worst part of my job: Night shift

Best part of my job: The Nurses I work with!
Worst part of my job: In February, I'm going to a different unit than the majority of my friends on Unit 36. (Thankfully I'll have Lisa and Kyla and I will be reunited with Natalie!)

Best part of my job: Being asked if I'm nocturnal by a 5 year old patient.
Worst part of my job: Having a patient cry as soon as I walk into the room.

Best part of my job: Walking out the door in the morning knowing I did well.
Worst part of my job: Walking out the door in the morning wanting to cry.


Best part of my job - I get paid to do this.

Challenge...

The Father has been challenging me lately with being content as a single person. I so desperately yearn to be a wife and a mom. The Father, in His awesome way, has shown me that I've been sitting on my hands a little. Doing the "when" game. Well, whining actually. When will I be married? When will I have children? When will I..... Fill in the blank. Reading through Isaiah, the Father spoke to me through the words in chapter 54

Isaiah 54
The Eternal Covenant of Peace
1 “Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;
break forth into singing and cry aloud,
you who have not been in labor!
For the children of the desolate one will be more
than the children of her who is married,” says the LORD.
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent,
and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;
do not hold back; lengthen your cords
and strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,
and your offspring will possess the nations
and will people the desolate cities.

4 “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;
be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;
for you will forget the shame of your youth,
and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
5 For your Maker is your husband,
the LORD of hosts is his name;

I realized that God has given me the opportunity and the ability to be a "mom" to the youth, my friends children, my patients and my Maker is my husband. He showed me to start putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak. He also revealed to me the loneliness I feel will not go away with marriage. I will pretty much be as "miserable" married as I am single. Husband won't fix it. So Jesus is growing me and stretching me to be content in Him and Him alone. It's a hard lesson, but I'm learning.

Single Girl and the Church

As a single girl and a Christ follower there's an obvious, and yet very important piece missing from life - Who's my spiritual leader? Genesis 2 talks about how God provided a helpmate for Adam in Eve --

“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”

²⁴ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

And as Paul wrote in Ephesians
"For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior"

I haven't been united with a husband. I realize that before a woman is married, her father is in charge. Right? So the obvious answer would be my father or even my brother. My best friend Molly has both. Her dad and her brother are amazing Godly men and both of them are her spiritual leaders until she gets married. It's wonderful to watch... So what do I do? I mean let's be honest, my family, well, is broken. Thankfully, I have a relationship with my dad -however, his relationship with God is... questionable. So dad's not the answer. I can go to him about some things and I love my dad, but well, it just doesn't work. I, like my bestie, have and older brother and wouldn't he be a great leader. I love my brother very much - however, he needs Jesus. So what's a single girl to do? Who do I go to?
Well, God figured it out for me long before I realized I would need it. (of course he did) The last 10 or so years I have been blessed with multiple brothers in Christ who, during certain seasons of my life, stand in as my spiritual leaders. And it works. Amazingly. Not only do I have an awesome relationship with my pastor who I can go to with anything, I have multiple "big brothers" who (along with their wives) I can go to whenever I need advice or wisdom. I'm a big verbal processor and it is so great having these Godly men who I can go to. God is amazing, isn't He?

A New Year

Here it is. 2012. Wow. Where did the year go? It feels like just yesterday I was starting my last semester of nursing school. I've been an official Registered Nurse for 5 months. Yeeowsa! The first months of nursing have taught me some very valuable lessons. First, there are NO stupid questions. This has been hard. It takes swallowing your pride, admitting you don't know something or more likely, you just can't seem to access the information from your brain, and asking another nurse who does know. Thankfully, I work with amazing nurses who seem to always answer my questions in a way that never makes me feel stupid. The worst thing in the world is being to proud to ask and without realizing it, you could endanger your patient or your job. Another lesson is when working graveyard shifts, you can never get too much sleep and you never want to work more than 3 shifts in a row. (I shot myself in the foot with my schedule next week and am working 4. I'll let you know how it goes) This is a no-brainer, but wear good shoes. And compression socks. Your feet and legs will thank you. Another important lesson has been- wear layers, so you can add or take off depending of temperature. You might have a patient who's room is a sauna, while another is the arctic. Or, you could end up having thermostat wars with your coworkers- as I do wit Robin. She is always cold and I'm always hot. There's always a battle when we work together.
That's just a quick list. There's probably a zillion more things that I will learn in the coming months and years... Becoming a nurse, for lack of a better word, is a process.