Pooping my pants - lessons from Haiti

I've been missing Haiti today... I was sitting here reminiscing about my last trip.  A third year veteran, I thought I had Haiti wired.  I knew what I was doing.  There was nothing that could catch me off guard. Yeah, I know, seriously arrogant, right? Yet there was lesson that I was forced to learn, yet again -NOTHING goes as planned.  What is the saying, "Wanna make God laugh...make plans." Yeah.. He laughed.
So there I was in Haiti, my home away from home... and BAM! my "plans",  my pride were given the heave ho! 
It was day two -  DAY TWO! - I woke up feeling less than stellar, but I blamed poor sleep, the humidity... once I got to clinic I would rally. Yeah, right.  As the day wore on, I progressively started feeling less and less awesome.  At one point, my dear sweet bestie Sarah commented, "You look like shit."  Well, yes.  That about summed up how I was feeling...however, I didn't have time for this... I had plans.  I had things to do.  Patients to see.  Medications to explain... I didn't have time to sit for an IV and fluids... I was there to work.  I was letting my team down.  I was failing. There I sat, for the majority of the clinic, attached to a tube pouring Lactated Ringers into my system.... and if that wasn't enough, I then proceeded to lose the contents of my stomach outside the back of the church with poor little Haitian children looking on.... and that wasn't the most humiliating thing to happen....
What, pray tell, could possibly be worst than traumatizing sweet little ones with your undigested lunch...  Well, I pooped my pants.... yep.  That happened.  And let me tell you, you never feel more vulnerable then when you have no control and poop your pants.
There I was, getting ready for bed, about to brush my teeth and, well, I'll save you from the gory details, just know - it wasn't pretty...   Thankfully, my dear sweet friend Patty was there and immediately started taking care of me... it was hard to be that vulnerable... completely helpless... and allow my friend to enter into an ugly and unpleasant place..... and for "Miss Independent, I can take care of myself", it might have been one of the hardest things I've ever done.
But that's life right?  That's relationship and community.... Figuratively and literally, allowing your people into your ugly--into the places that only you and the Father know about... I'm still learning how to do this.... I think I will be continuing on this journey for the rest of my life.....


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Be bold. Be fierce.

Somewhere in the last month or so I feel as if I've lost my bold and my fierce. I could speculate or form some conjecture as to why… But at this point it doesn’t matter why, it just matters that I reclaim my bold and fierceness… So, watch out world because, as Maya Angelou puts it, this girl is going to “go out and grab the world by the lapels.  Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.”

Diving into Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey for the second time... I so love this book  As a woman and a Christ follower - it speaks to my heart and rocks my world.  If you haven't read it, I challenge you to do so!  And I mean challenge.  It's challenging and rich and gutsy! Ms. Bessey, you've got chutzpah! This poem is at the beginning of the book... I love it! 

Let Us Be Women Who Love

Idelette McVicker

Let us be women who Love.
Let us be women willing to lay down our sword words, our sharp looks, our ignorant silence and towering stance and fill the earth with extravagant Love.
Let us be women who Love.
Let us be women who make room.
Let us be women who open our arms and invite others into an honest, spacious, glorious embrace.

Let us be women who carry each other.
Let us be women who give from what we have.
Let us be women who leap to do the difficult things, the unexpected things and the necessary things.
Let us be women who live for Peace.
Let us be women who breathe Hope.
Let us be women who Create beauty.
Let us be women who Love.

Let us be a sanctuary where God may dwell.
Let us be a garden for tender souls.
Let us be a table where others may feast on the goodness of God.
Let us be a womb of Life to grow.
Let us be women who love.

Let us rise to the question of our time.
Let us speak to the injustices in our world.
Let us move the mountains of fear and intimidation.
Let us shout down the walls that separate and divide.
Let us fill the earth with the fragrance of Love.
Let us be women who Love.

Let us listen for those who have been silenced.
Let us honor those who have been devalued.
Let us say, Enough! With abuse, abandonment, diminishing and hiding.
Let us not rest until every person is free and equal.
Let us be women who love. 

Let us be women who are savvy, smart, and wise.
Let us be women who shine with the light of God in us.
Let us be women who take courage and sing the song in our hearts.
Let us be women who say, Yes to the beautiful, unique purpose seeded in our souls.
Let us be women who call out the song in another’s heart.
Let us be women who teach our children to do the same.
Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who Love, in spite of fear.
Let us be women who Love, in spite of our stories.
Let us be women who Love loudly, beautifully, Divinely.
Let us be women who Love.

Grace and Mercy

I have many interactions with patients that are super fun. Like the one kid with a brain injury who answered, "Mitt Romney" when I asked him who was the quarterback for the Denver Broncos.(At the time, it was Tim Tebow)Or the 6 year old little girl who asked me if I was nocturnal. Those are stories I love to share. They make me grin and remind me why I love being a pediatric nurse. Then there's the patient I have tonight. He doesn't make me grin. He makes my jaw clench, my adrenaline spike and my heart dance a faster lub-dub. And it's frustrating as hell. This kid has not had the best life and on top of that, he was just dealt an even crappier hand that landed him in the hospital. And we have been TRYING to help him adjust to this new situation, and he wants none of it. He's got the worst attitude, his speech is peppered with the f word, and he denies even the simplest of cares. You know what we nurses want to do? We want to do nursing cares! And he doesn't allow us. You just want to bang your head against a wall. And going into his room is like walking into a lion's den. Here's the thing though, the thing I'm still learning and not quite getting right - Jesus loves him. Jesus died on the cross for him. So when he's hurling his insults, calling me the "mother" of all insults, I have to rememeber Grace and Mercy, Grace and Mercy. I would love to say I get it right all of the time. Heck, I'd love to say I get it right half of the time - I don't. I'm getting it wrong mostly. And then I think, Grace and Mercy, Grace and Mercy - for me.

A Thanksgiving thought....

Well, it's been awhile since my last post. But today is, or was, Thanksgiving and I figured it a good time to be, well, thankful. I have to say, it's been a great year. I've been blessed to experience a couple traveling adventures, continued to work at the best Children's Hospital with the best co-workers ever, and I have the best friends a girl could ask for. So, I'm super blessed. And am super thankful. However, as I contimplate all that I "have" to be thankful for, I am reminded - anything this side of hell, is pure Grace and that's all that matters. So for Grace alone, I am thankful.

What I learned in Haiti....

Last week I was in Haiti serving on a medical team.  My first "official" medical trip since becoming a nurse.  Overall, it was an amazing experience.  Our team was fantastic, I made some new friends, grew as a nurse and fell in love with a country and it's people.
Here are a few things I learned while there--

• Haitian peanut butter has some spice to it. There I was first clinic, eating my first of many PB and J's, and I kept getting a hint of chile or pepper.  Finally, someone told me it was the peanut butter. I might have become a bit obsessed.  It's delicious! 
• Learned to sleep sitting up and sleep when you can.  Almost everyday, we held clinics somewhere other than the HCM compound and traveled to and from via school bus.  Between all the team members, the interpreters, the large bags of rice, coolers and med bags - the school bus was packed.  After a long day of clinic, all you wanted to do was shut your eyes and grab a few winks.  And most times, sitting up was your only option.  I became quite a proficent. 
• I "re" learned my pharmacology.   Being a pediatric nurse, I very rarely give certain meds to my patients or know them by their brand name.   After a few times of having to ask, I finally remembered that Norvasc is Amolodipine.  Also, I learned to count pills by 5's - it's faster.
• I learned that the French I knew as a child, is still in my brain.  Slowly throughout the week, small bits and pieces would come back to me. It was rudimentary, however, I was able to at least communicate a bit.  My dad is so proud. 
• Mangoes in Haiti taste a gagillion times better than here in the states.
• It takes at least 2 hours to get anywhere.  Regardless of what you're told, plan on two hours.  Then if it is actually the 30 minutes they told you originally, it's a blessing  
• I learned when push comes to shove, you sleep on a tile floor with a life preserver as a pillow.
• When a group of 30+ people who barely know each other go on a trip and have a common goal, you are instant friends, growing into a family by the end of the week. Your personal space shrinks as well. (see #2 for additional reason why)
• Speaking of family (not mentioning we were a bunch of medical peeps), you have no qualms discussing such things as cankles, deodorant application, hairy legs, bowel movements or lack there of, drinking enough vs. peeing enough, etc. etc.  Oh and a great new diet plan that Beyonce is going to promote called Miracle Water... :)

Finally, and most importantly, I was reminded that no matter how much self doubt you have, how exhausted you are, how hot and sweaty you are, how many bug bites or how sunburned you are and how grumpy all those things can make you -  you can do all things when the God of the universe has your back.

2012 Reflections...2013 Dreams

Eleven days into the new year, I decided it high time to reflect on 2012 and the year it was.  It was a good year. Here's some of the major events from 2012:

• A full year plus as a pediatric nurse
• Went to Africa for the 3rd time
• Vacationed at Disneyland with 3 friends and fulfilled bucket list item of staying at Disneyland Hotel
• Witnessed many friends get married, have babies and move away to distant places (Missouri, Africa, Southern Asia)
• Got two new tattoos
• Went to San Fransisco for the first time
• Saw a Red Sox game with the one who taught me to be a Red Sox fan, my dad
• Camp Nurse for Centrifuge
• Trips to the Oregon Coast
• Continued hanging with the coolest youth in Oregon
• Rafted White Salmon, went over Husum Falls and lived to tell about it (I might never forgive you for that one Logue)
• Had Thanksgiving at my house and cooked my first turkey (Linda helped)
• Most importantly, fell in love with Jesus even more.

 It was a full and awesome year.  And I think 2013 might give it a run for it's money.

What I dream for 2013:

• Run a 5k  
• Read the Bible cover to cover.
• Reconcile my relationship with my mom. 
• Have fun celebrating one of besties 40th in Vegas!
• Be more intentional with people in my life that I've neglected.  I have some amazing cousins who I should hang out with more.
• Go to Haiti in May for a medical mission trip.
• Become more: 
• Honest
• Merciful
• Gracious
• Vulnerable
• Patient 
• Travel to Ireland and Scotland for a friend's 40th birthday.

That's about it.  I think that's plenty...  I'll keep you posted on how it goes.