Pooping my pants - lessons from Haiti

I've been missing Haiti today... I was sitting here reminiscing about my last trip.  A third year veteran, I thought I had Haiti wired.  I knew what I was doing.  There was nothing that could catch me off guard. Yeah, I know, seriously arrogant, right? Yet there was lesson that I was forced to learn, yet again -NOTHING goes as planned.  What is the saying, "Wanna make God laugh...make plans." Yeah.. He laughed.
So there I was in Haiti, my home away from home... and BAM! my "plans",  my pride were given the heave ho! 
It was day two -  DAY TWO! - I woke up feeling less than stellar, but I blamed poor sleep, the humidity... once I got to clinic I would rally. Yeah, right.  As the day wore on, I progressively started feeling less and less awesome.  At one point, my dear sweet bestie Sarah commented, "You look like shit."  Well, yes.  That about summed up how I was feeling...however, I didn't have time for this... I had plans.  I had things to do.  Patients to see.  Medications to explain... I didn't have time to sit for an IV and fluids... I was there to work.  I was letting my team down.  I was failing. There I sat, for the majority of the clinic, attached to a tube pouring Lactated Ringers into my system.... and if that wasn't enough, I then proceeded to lose the contents of my stomach outside the back of the church with poor little Haitian children looking on.... and that wasn't the most humiliating thing to happen....
What, pray tell, could possibly be worst than traumatizing sweet little ones with your undigested lunch...  Well, I pooped my pants.... yep.  That happened.  And let me tell you, you never feel more vulnerable then when you have no control and poop your pants.
There I was, getting ready for bed, about to brush my teeth and, well, I'll save you from the gory details, just know - it wasn't pretty...   Thankfully, my dear sweet friend Patty was there and immediately started taking care of me... it was hard to be that vulnerable... completely helpless... and allow my friend to enter into an ugly and unpleasant place..... and for "Miss Independent, I can take care of myself", it might have been one of the hardest things I've ever done.
But that's life right?  That's relationship and community.... Figuratively and literally, allowing your people into your ugly--into the places that only you and the Father know about... I'm still learning how to do this.... I think I will be continuing on this journey for the rest of my life.....


.

Be bold. Be fierce.

Somewhere in the last month or so I feel as if I've lost my bold and my fierce. I could speculate or form some conjecture as to why… But at this point it doesn’t matter why, it just matters that I reclaim my bold and fierceness… So, watch out world because, as Maya Angelou puts it, this girl is going to “go out and grab the world by the lapels.  Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.”

Diving into Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey for the second time... I so love this book  As a woman and a Christ follower - it speaks to my heart and rocks my world.  If you haven't read it, I challenge you to do so!  And I mean challenge.  It's challenging and rich and gutsy! Ms. Bessey, you've got chutzpah! This poem is at the beginning of the book... I love it! 

Let Us Be Women Who Love

Idelette McVicker

Let us be women who Love.
Let us be women willing to lay down our sword words, our sharp looks, our ignorant silence and towering stance and fill the earth with extravagant Love.
Let us be women who Love.
Let us be women who make room.
Let us be women who open our arms and invite others into an honest, spacious, glorious embrace.

Let us be women who carry each other.
Let us be women who give from what we have.
Let us be women who leap to do the difficult things, the unexpected things and the necessary things.
Let us be women who live for Peace.
Let us be women who breathe Hope.
Let us be women who Create beauty.
Let us be women who Love.

Let us be a sanctuary where God may dwell.
Let us be a garden for tender souls.
Let us be a table where others may feast on the goodness of God.
Let us be a womb of Life to grow.
Let us be women who love.

Let us rise to the question of our time.
Let us speak to the injustices in our world.
Let us move the mountains of fear and intimidation.
Let us shout down the walls that separate and divide.
Let us fill the earth with the fragrance of Love.
Let us be women who Love.

Let us listen for those who have been silenced.
Let us honor those who have been devalued.
Let us say, Enough! With abuse, abandonment, diminishing and hiding.
Let us not rest until every person is free and equal.
Let us be women who love. 

Let us be women who are savvy, smart, and wise.
Let us be women who shine with the light of God in us.
Let us be women who take courage and sing the song in our hearts.
Let us be women who say, Yes to the beautiful, unique purpose seeded in our souls.
Let us be women who call out the song in another’s heart.
Let us be women who teach our children to do the same.
Let us be women who Love.

Let us be women who Love, in spite of fear.
Let us be women who Love, in spite of our stories.
Let us be women who Love loudly, beautifully, Divinely.
Let us be women who Love.

Grace and Mercy

I have many interactions with patients that are super fun. Like the one kid with a brain injury who answered, "Mitt Romney" when I asked him who was the quarterback for the Denver Broncos.(At the time, it was Tim Tebow)Or the 6 year old little girl who asked me if I was nocturnal. Those are stories I love to share. They make me grin and remind me why I love being a pediatric nurse. Then there's the patient I have tonight. He doesn't make me grin. He makes my jaw clench, my adrenaline spike and my heart dance a faster lub-dub. And it's frustrating as hell. This kid has not had the best life and on top of that, he was just dealt an even crappier hand that landed him in the hospital. And we have been TRYING to help him adjust to this new situation, and he wants none of it. He's got the worst attitude, his speech is peppered with the f word, and he denies even the simplest of cares. You know what we nurses want to do? We want to do nursing cares! And he doesn't allow us. You just want to bang your head against a wall. And going into his room is like walking into a lion's den. Here's the thing though, the thing I'm still learning and not quite getting right - Jesus loves him. Jesus died on the cross for him. So when he's hurling his insults, calling me the "mother" of all insults, I have to rememeber Grace and Mercy, Grace and Mercy. I would love to say I get it right all of the time. Heck, I'd love to say I get it right half of the time - I don't. I'm getting it wrong mostly. And then I think, Grace and Mercy, Grace and Mercy - for me.

A Thanksgiving thought....

Well, it's been awhile since my last post. But today is, or was, Thanksgiving and I figured it a good time to be, well, thankful. I have to say, it's been a great year. I've been blessed to experience a couple traveling adventures, continued to work at the best Children's Hospital with the best co-workers ever, and I have the best friends a girl could ask for. So, I'm super blessed. And am super thankful. However, as I contimplate all that I "have" to be thankful for, I am reminded - anything this side of hell, is pure Grace and that's all that matters. So for Grace alone, I am thankful.

What I learned in Haiti....

Last week I was in Haiti serving on a medical team.  My first "official" medical trip since becoming a nurse.  Overall, it was an amazing experience.  Our team was fantastic, I made some new friends, grew as a nurse and fell in love with a country and it's people.
Here are a few things I learned while there--

• Haitian peanut butter has some spice to it. There I was first clinic, eating my first of many PB and J's, and I kept getting a hint of chile or pepper.  Finally, someone told me it was the peanut butter. I might have become a bit obsessed.  It's delicious! 
• Learned to sleep sitting up and sleep when you can.  Almost everyday, we held clinics somewhere other than the HCM compound and traveled to and from via school bus.  Between all the team members, the interpreters, the large bags of rice, coolers and med bags - the school bus was packed.  After a long day of clinic, all you wanted to do was shut your eyes and grab a few winks.  And most times, sitting up was your only option.  I became quite a proficent. 
• I "re" learned my pharmacology.   Being a pediatric nurse, I very rarely give certain meds to my patients or know them by their brand name.   After a few times of having to ask, I finally remembered that Norvasc is Amolodipine.  Also, I learned to count pills by 5's - it's faster.
• I learned that the French I knew as a child, is still in my brain.  Slowly throughout the week, small bits and pieces would come back to me. It was rudimentary, however, I was able to at least communicate a bit.  My dad is so proud. 
• Mangoes in Haiti taste a gagillion times better than here in the states.
• It takes at least 2 hours to get anywhere.  Regardless of what you're told, plan on two hours.  Then if it is actually the 30 minutes they told you originally, it's a blessing  
• I learned when push comes to shove, you sleep on a tile floor with a life preserver as a pillow.
• When a group of 30+ people who barely know each other go on a trip and have a common goal, you are instant friends, growing into a family by the end of the week. Your personal space shrinks as well. (see #2 for additional reason why)
• Speaking of family (not mentioning we were a bunch of medical peeps), you have no qualms discussing such things as cankles, deodorant application, hairy legs, bowel movements or lack there of, drinking enough vs. peeing enough, etc. etc.  Oh and a great new diet plan that Beyonce is going to promote called Miracle Water... :)

Finally, and most importantly, I was reminded that no matter how much self doubt you have, how exhausted you are, how hot and sweaty you are, how many bug bites or how sunburned you are and how grumpy all those things can make you -  you can do all things when the God of the universe has your back.

2012 Reflections...2013 Dreams

Eleven days into the new year, I decided it high time to reflect on 2012 and the year it was.  It was a good year. Here's some of the major events from 2012:

• A full year plus as a pediatric nurse
• Went to Africa for the 3rd time
• Vacationed at Disneyland with 3 friends and fulfilled bucket list item of staying at Disneyland Hotel
• Witnessed many friends get married, have babies and move away to distant places (Missouri, Africa, Southern Asia)
• Got two new tattoos
• Went to San Fransisco for the first time
• Saw a Red Sox game with the one who taught me to be a Red Sox fan, my dad
• Camp Nurse for Centrifuge
• Trips to the Oregon Coast
• Continued hanging with the coolest youth in Oregon
• Rafted White Salmon, went over Husum Falls and lived to tell about it (I might never forgive you for that one Logue)
• Had Thanksgiving at my house and cooked my first turkey (Linda helped)
• Most importantly, fell in love with Jesus even more.

 It was a full and awesome year.  And I think 2013 might give it a run for it's money.

What I dream for 2013:

• Run a 5k  
• Read the Bible cover to cover.
• Reconcile my relationship with my mom. 
• Have fun celebrating one of besties 40th in Vegas!
• Be more intentional with people in my life that I've neglected.  I have some amazing cousins who I should hang out with more.
• Go to Haiti in May for a medical mission trip.
• Become more: 
• Honest
• Merciful
• Gracious
• Vulnerable
• Patient 
• Travel to Ireland and Scotland for a friend's 40th birthday.

That's about it.  I think that's plenty...  I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Voting....

It's election time.  I finally received my ballot. I had been anxiously awaiting it's arrival, so you can imagine my glee when I opened my mailbox and there it sat, in all it's glory. All elections are important, but this is the biggie!  Like the Olympics, it only comes around every four years.  (Well, that was until they changed the Olympics - but - thats for another blog) Anywho - The big decision on everyones mind: Which man is the right man to lead our country?  There's been a lot of discussion on who to vote for, which issues carry weight, who would be a better president, etc. Social media sites are full of all sorts of comments. A gamut of thoughts including, but not limited to, if you vote for one candidate, you're signing our country up for the dark ages or socialism or [fill in your favorite horrible circumstance].
My favorite are the posts are ones that insinuate that if you vote for a certain candidate your Christianity is highly suspect. I have had an extremely difficult time not responding to these posts.  The "jerk" in me wants to goad them into a facebook "debate" - letting them know their posts are not only incongruous, but some of their information is unsubstantiated.  However, it's not worth the argument nor will it do anything more than fire me up.  And, in all honesty, neither their vote nor mine would change.  Debates like that aren't what I base my choices on anyway.
My vote is decided on a myriad of issues, not just one or two.  I rely on what I feel the candidate will bring to the table that will be good for ALL people in our country.  How will their ideas, politics and policies effect the entire population.  As a nurse, I look at their stance on health care.  As a woman, I look at their political track record when it comes to women's issues. As a concerned global citizen, I look at foreign policy.  And, yes, as a Christian, I look at their current and past stance on a variety of issues, not just abortion and same sex marriage.  And here's the other thing, even though I am proud registered democrat (gasp! shocking!), I don't vote for a candidate based on the -D or -R after their name.  (Here's a quick side note - not all Christians are Republican nor are all Republicans- Christians... just sayin') You may choose to vote differently than me. That's ok.  That's one of the many awesome things about being a citizen of this great country - we have the freedom to vote for who we see fit and not have to justify our choice. Isn't that great?
And for those of you wondering (or not, but this is my blog so I can write what I want) I made my decision for which presidential candidate gets my vote... And if you know me at all, you already know who...Yep. I'm voting to re-elect President Obama. 
Proceed questioning my Chritianity or giving me a high five.  I'm good with both.

Learning instead of just being...

con·tent/kənˈtent/ Adjective: In a state of peaceful happiness.

Verb: Satisfy (someone).

Noun: 1.A state of satisfaction: "the greater part of the century was a time of content". Synonyms: adjective. contented - pleased - satisfied - glad - happ 

verb. satisfy - gratify - please - indulge - suffice

noun. contents - satisfaction - contentment
 

It's been awhile since my last post. Lots has happened over the last few weeks.  Went to East Africa.  It was amazing!  It was everything I could have hoped for and more.  It was life changing to say the least.  On this trip the Father gave me much to think and pray about.  Including Phillipians 4:11.  Specifically, where Paul says, " ¹¹ ... for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." 

Learned to be content.  Who would of thought?  In all my years as a Christ follower, I've always kinda just assumed that if I wasn't content, I was doing something wrong or that I was saying that Jesus wasn't enough. That I was missing something or other that made me content and therefore, the "content boat"-whatever that is- sailed without me.  Why wasn't I "content"?  As if it was this "state of being" that one acheived at Christian maturity.  Like nirvana, or something. Of course, when I see that in writing I have to laugh, because that doesn't even make any sense. There's no magic "content" pill or Fairy Godmother that sings "bibbity boppity boo -  now your content too!"  I'm sure I've read Phillipians 4:11 a bunch of times and just floated right over the word "learned".  I kept expecting to one day wake up and find contentment.  I'm not saying I've been living in this constant state of dissatisfaction with life, all sad and depressed.  However, there have been times when my - as the definition reads - state of satisfacton or peaceful happiness has waned.  And then in East Africa something changed. I changed. My understanding changed.  All it took was Mike speaking those words to someone else on our team. I wasn't even involved in the conversation.  I just overheard him.  Talking to one our teammates he said, "Paul said he learned to be content." It was like a light bulb went on.  There almost was this audible "click", like something snapped into place. What? Paul said what? Where?  I immediately pulled out my bible and looked it up.  There in Phillipians chapter 4, verse 11 - Paul said he "learned" to be content.  It was so liberating. I think I even got a little giddy. It was like the final puzzle piece I needed from the Father to know which way I was headed. As I said earlier, the Father gave me much to think about in Africa, a decision that would effect my life greatly, including if I follow the path that I believe God wants me to follow, it might mean closing a door on another path that I've wanted to take for some time. (sorry for the vagueness, not ready to share specifically yet).  Not that I've got it all figured out, but I've had some major progress. I'll let you know how it goes.... 

Jesus and Chicken

Heres a question to ponder: Would Jesus have eaten at Chick-fil-a yesterday?

Ok, this whole Chick-fil-a thing...  I think Christians missed the boat on this BIG TIME.  I've been thinking about this for a few days now, seeing all the posts on FB about supporting Chick-fil-a, hearing it on all the radio and all I've go to say is SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE!???!!!  I mean come on!  Christians all over America jumped on some bandwagon that I don't even think the president of Chick-fil-a, Dan Cathy, meant to create.  He stated his opinion about gay marriage in a very honest and non-condemning way. Other peeps stated their opinion in response and all of a sudden it was a "war" about the 1st amendment and freedom of speech, fighting for family values, etc. etc..Then, Mike Huckabee created his "Support Chick-fil-a day" yesterday and thousands of people went and ate chicken.  Don't get me wrong. Chick-fil-a does make good chicken. There used to be one at Lloyd Center.  I remember eating there as a kid, but I still don't get it. Am I missing something??  When did loving a moral stand become more important than loving on people?  Oh wait, that's right.  That IS what the general population thinks about Christians. That we are more about rules of what to do and not do and pointing our fingers at all that is wrong, instead of meeting people where they are at, building relationships and sharing with them the Good News of Jesus. In addtion, we don't help by continually giving them SO much ammunition. Is this how we as Christians are meant to share Christ's love with the world?  We walk around talking about "loving people to Christ" and yet we post hateful statements on various social media outlets. Hateful? May be a little strong.  So, not hateful - but sure as heck not loving.  Even if under the guise of supporting some one's 1st amendment right of free speech. OK, then, let's turn the table. What if Mr. Cathy wasn't a Christian and in an interview made a statement against the Christian faith?  Would you be so fast at protecting his 1st amendment right? Street goes both ways people. If Mr. Cathy has the right to say he doesn't believe in gay marriage, someone else has the right to say they don't believe in Jesus. And the mayor of whatever town has the right to say what they want.     
Here's my last and final thought - shall we say this is me exercising my 1st amendment right... (and I may tick some peeps off with this, but here goes)  Christ followers, lovers of Jesus, Adopted Children of the Almighty God - let's get our heads out of our behinds.  Let's actually do what Christ calls us to do - LOVE people as He loved people.  Let's remember, it's not about us.  It's not about us pushing some agenda.  It's not about picking various "sins" to rally against.  Let's give the non-Christians something to talk about other than how we're against the LGBT community. This all has been very reminiscent to me...  Something about pharisees and tax collectors...  and Jesus.
To answer my first question.  If Jesus went to Chick-fil-a yesterday, it's because He just wanted some chicken,.

Getting a lil more excited...

Today - well, actually yesterday as it is 4 o'clock in the morning - the first Africa team made it back to Portland. I love going to greet people at the airport after trips, especially mission trips.  No matter how kicked or how much a shower is needed - everyone always is so stoked to see their loved ones. And those waiting for them are just as stoked, just as giddy. It always reminds me of the beginning narrative of the movie Love Actually - Hugh Grant as the "Prime Minister" says,
 "Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinions starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around"

Everyone is all huggy and smiles.  It's infectious. I love it most because they are just amped to tell everyone what the Father did, what awesome things they saw and did. 
This time though, my excitement was even more personal, as the team was coming back from the place I will be headed to in 10 short days. It's new for me - headed to a different place than my two previous trips.  Let me be honest, I've done little thinking about Africa - Between work, Centrifuge and life in general - I really haven't put much thought into getting ready.  Other than finding my journal from the first trip (see previous post) and doing some of the necessary prep - getting ready has been on the back burner. For me, this is odd.  Normally, my bags would be out, mostly packed - with only those last minute items left.  For that reason, today was so good. Seeing the team, with their bright faces, bubbling over with tales to tell... AWESOME!  Even more encouraging was not 1, not 2, but 3 of the team members (including my pastor) said to me you are SO going to love it. I believe my pastor's words were, "Right up your alley."  I got really giddy... actually, I think I got teared up a little.  (so says Jeremy anyway). 
Leaving the airport, I realized I a little more spring in my step... Excitement was building. It was like a little love note from the Father.  Don't you just love it when the Father gives you those?  Now I'm excited.  Now I'm giddy.  Just 10 short days away...

Sun burns. Bug Bites and Ice Packs... all in a days work for a camp nurse.

A week ago, I had the privledge of being the Camp Nurse for Centrifuge 2012.  It was my first time as a camp nurse.  I've done camp countless times - from cabin leader to camp director - but never a nurse.  We had over 350 students, junior high and highschoolers- plus some 50 or so adult leaders (and yes, the adults injured themselves too - Talking to you Jason from Tri City Baptist) . Along with the twisted ankles, scraped up knees and upset tummies, I had a few repeat offenders who claimed injury - "my ankle's sprained" or "my leg won't let me walk up the big hill"or my favorite "I may have just walked all the way to your cabin from across camp, but I think my foot's broken".  I also saw a few homesick kiddos, who just needed to sit with me on the porch and a girls who wanted to talk about the "stuff" in their lives. My cabin had a "revolving" door from sun up to sun down.  By the end of the first full day, I felt unprepared and overwhelmed.  I wasn't sure if I would last the week.  I felt so out of my element. Weird, right?  Being a peds nurse, I felt out of my element.  Yet, at work, I have other nurses to dialog with and typically a physician or two just a phone call a way.  I've never been the one and only.  It was challenging to say the least.  I can talk a good talk, but when it comes down to it - I sometimes feel completely inept as a nurse.  But then I have those moments, those moments that by the grace of God, I do the right thing. And know that it was all Him. I only had one of those moments last week. If it weren't for the Holy Spirit, I may have totally messed up. A camper was passing out, unable to stay "awake". I had no clue at first.  Then - aha - low blood sugar, so low he was almost unconscious.  I just shoved an orange into his mouth, hoping and praying that would do the trick, otherwise we'd be calling 911.  I was so scared - thinking what if this isn't it. He started to perk up and I had him eat the rest of the orange, plus another one.  After all was said and done - I had to drop to my knees and thank the Father for helping me know what to do and for telling me to grab and orange on my way out of the dining hall.
Feeling less than awesome, though, was later. By the end of the week, Nurse Nicole was drained. Worn out.  My empathy for the "non injury" injuries was waning, which made me feel somewhat of a failure.  It felt as if I didn't have anymore to give.  It sucked. I wanted to go and hideout in my cabin. Thankfully, the awesomeness of the students and a few honest words from a new friend, I put on my big girl panties and crossed the finish line.
Here's the thing, it will be the same when (and if) I go into career international missions as a nurse. At times, I will feel completely inept. I will get overwhelmed and feel drained.  My week at Centrifuge gave me a taste of what I'm in for - good and bad - someday down the road.  It makes me wonder, if I can barely last a week - what's going to happen when it's months, years? Maybe there it too will take awesomeness from children and honest words from a friend.  Until then, I will go back to Centrifuge next year, armed with a cooler full of ice, a glucometer and maybe even, another nurse.

Africa... Again.

In less than a month I will be winging my way back to the continent I love - Africa.  This is my third trip and I am so looking forward to being there again. I was going through some things around the house this morning and found my journal from my first trip in 2008.  Reading through my entries, my head was flooded with so many wonderful memories... So much has changed since that first trip.   I had just received my acceptance to Linfield Nursing School and was to start the month I got back.  Four years later, I've been a nurse for a year and have my dream job.  I decided to share some of the highlights from my journal here... 

• 7/30/2008 There is no more time.  Ready or not- I'm going to Africa tomorrow.  Alli asked me what I was feeling.  There are too many words right now.  I just pray the Father works mightily through and in our team.  The slog there will be interesting... we'll see.... 
•  8/2/2008 Sensory overload.  I had to shut my eyes driving out of the city.  So much poverty and desolation.  Such a different life than what I know.  I had a momentary freakout - thinking "Lord, I can't do this.  I want to go home.  What was I thinking coming to Africa.  What am I thinking? Possibly, spending my life here? I can't do it."  Then the Father reminded me - You can't, but I can.
• 8/2/2008 The contrast between the buildings and streets and the clothes on the women astounds me.  Pops of vibrant color against a dreary backdrop.  Woman after woman - amazing yellows and reds - some with precious cargo slung to their backs.  Others with baskets laden with purchases on top their heads.  Reminds me of what the Father calls us out to be - in a world of desolation and spiritual poverty, we are called to stand against a fallen backdrop - showing the true color, the very nature of the Father. 
• 8/4/2008 Yesterday was hard.  So many emotions. Tears are continually spilling over my eyes down my cheeks. The amount of love I feel swelling up in my heart for people is overwhelmin.
• 8/4/2008 I suck at Swahili... 
• 8/5/2008 God is so amazing!  I'm sitting here listening to the chatter of our team - excited to share the days events.... I said to Caleb, "I'm so giddy. Everyone's all giddy."  He said, "Everyone's on a God high!"  He couldn't be more right!
• 8/6/2008 Tonight I watched a Masai woman dance and sing.  I never thought or hoped, that of all the things that might happen on this trip - I never thought in I would see a Masai woman dance.
• 8/8/2008 I possibly saw a glimpse of my future yesterday.  We went to the local hospital.  It was terrible and wonderful all at the same time. 
• 8/9/2008 I'm tired.  I can feel myself shutting down.  I'm emotionally tired.  I'm so overwhelmed withe everything I've seen and done.  Today was hard.  I just wanted to be done. I want to rest.  Sit n the sun.  Part of me wants to go home. A bigger part of me never wants to leave.  I never expected to feel this way.
• 8/10/2008 My heart broke as I saw women dressed in short pants and bare shoulders milling around a flamboyantly painted building.  As soon as I saw them I knew what their profession was. Then the Father told me to go talk to them. Tell them the story of the woman at the well. 
• 8/11/2008 Leaving this place will be harder than I thought.  I've seen God in ways I've never experienced.  I found a boldness I didn't know existed.  I found a strength I wasn't sure I had. Most importantly, I found a love that I never expected.
• 8/12/2008  Give yourself fully to God.  He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in HIS love than in your weakness.  

That's it.  A glimpse into my thoughts from my first trip.  Four years later, I continue to have doubts and feel completely unprepared for Africa.  Thankfully, the Father is bigger than any doubt or unpreparedness. 

38!? Really?

So, I just celebrated my 38th birthday.  As they say, time flies.  It was a good birthday, filled with good friends, good food and good dessert!  I even got to blow out a few candles after 7 little ones, all under the age of 11, sang me Happy Birthday. Then we dined on the most amazing homemade vanilla cupcakes with yummy chocolate frosting (Thanks Liv!).  All in all, it was good and thoroughly celebrated.  Here's the thing, I'm 38. Yeah...that's right... 38.  I know it's just a number and age is how you feel and all that. And most peeps are shocked when I tell them my age. (Thankfully, they think I'm younger, not older)  But this birthday - this one has been bothering me. I'm not sure why it's bugging me so much more any other.  Only other birthday that I remember bugging me a little was 31.  I know, right?  Not 30, but 31.  I loved turning 30.  It was awesome!  31 was harder.  38 is harder still.  Maybe it's because it's just that much closer to 40?  It just sounds so, adult.  38. Almost 40. Could be? 
Maybe it's because I thought I would be somewhere so different in life by now.  Not just marriage, kids- all that- I think I thought I would feel, I don't know, more settled.  I still feel as if my life is in flux. Don't get me wrong.  I am working in my dream job as a peds nurse - almost a year now- I have a great apartment, wonderful friends, a great church family... I feel as if I'm doing something - contributing to the world in my own way, etc. etc.  I guess, I just feel like there's more.  More to me, to this life, more I'm supposed to do - and I'm getting a little impatient with the "waiting".  Like I can't REALLY put down my roots yet, 'cause I know something else is coming...  something BIG.  But, even though I know this, I'm still looking at my age, my life and asking, "when? I'm not getting any younger..."  Does that even make sense? 
So I guess, I contiue to wait.  A year from now, I may be asking the same question.  Feeling the same unsettled-ness.  However, I will wait for that something BIG that I know is out there.

Easter thoughts...

So this last weekend was Easter.  I love this day!  We get to celebrate the fact that Jesus didn't stay dead.  He walked out of the tomb on the third day - ALIVE!  Woo hoo! We had great services at GGBC (4 of them) and I had the privilege of being part of them by doing a spoken word thing with two others.  It was awesome.
Here's the thing...  I should celebrate "Easter" everyday.  I should be joyful, to the point of giddiness EVERYDAY.  The thing is, yes - Jesus walked out of the tomb that day o-so-many years ago - but He didn't go back in. He's still ALIVE.  And I should celebrate that everyday in the same manner.  But do I?  No. After the "holiday" is over, I go back to living as if He's still in the tomb. Does that make sense? Food for thought.

Here's the video of Odd Thomas, the artist who wrote the spoken word we did.  It's pretty much awesome! 

  

Who are my "Neighbors"....

My dear friend Lance preached a great message this passed weekend. As a church we've been going through a series, "All In", going through Mark 12:28-30.  Lance tackled the second greatest commandment, " You should love your neighbor as yourself..." Using the story of The Good Samaritan, he really made me think about not only how I treat people, but what I think or say about people. Towards the end of the sermon Lance shared a list of those who are our "neighbors"....  It was convicting to say the least. 

As I processed through the sermon and thought about the "list" that Lance presented, I thought of my own.
These are what I came up with...

President of Sudan Omar al-Bashir
Joseph Kony
Sex Traffickers
Child abusers
Pat Robertson or any "Christian" who give Christ Followers a bad name.
the "johns" that keep up the demand side of prostitutin
Parents of patients who may not lay a hand on their children, but abuse them just the same.
The woman who told my friend she's going to hell.
The patient's dad who called me "abrasive".
My Facebook "friends" who post political rhetoric that is unsubstantiated
Anybody who hurts my friends, my youth or my family.
 
The list could go on.  I'm sure.  Here's the thing.  Regardless of who they are or what they've done, Jesus died for them just as much as He died for me.







For those of you who are interested, here's Lance's sermon...

PT:7 All In Series from Greater Gresham on Vimeo.

A good example of a bad idea....

Four shifts in a row.

Nuff said.

The nose knows....

Isn't it funny how smells can just transport us??  Like, the smell of the first rain in spring always transports me back to outdoor school or camping.  I love that wet, green smell.  Sometimes I'll get a hint of cologne mixed with pipe tobacco that reminds me of my dad.(He smoked a pipe when I was little) Or if I smell baking cookies -really sweet ones, I think about Disneyland and walking down Main Street, breathing in all the goodness the bakery has to offer. (side note - did you know that Disneyland actually pipes the smells from the bakery out to the street? Walt's idea. True story) But nothing transports me back than the smells that remind me of Africa.  Sometimes it's just the smell of burning wood mixed in with other odors that does it.  Even here at the hospital sometimes I get a wiff of something and BAM... I'm in Tanzania.  I find myself inhaling even harder, trying to capture that moment, that feeling of being back in the place I love most...  

First night in a new "home"...

I don't know about you, but I hate change.  Actually, that's not completely true.  Let's call it more of a love/hate relationship.  I like the excitement of new and different things, but I'm also a creature of comfort and habits.  So tonight is my first night at the new Children's hospital.  We've been anticipating this move for awhile.  It's an absolutely beautiful hospital.  REALLY spiffy.  The thing is, not only has my space changed - my unit has changed.  I am now working with a different population of patients and a new team. Can anyone say "fish out of water"?  I went to visit my 36 peeps on their new floor -  I literally almost cried.  Not that everyone on my new unit has been AMAZING!!!! I am super lucky to have a GREAT team to work with.  Everyone has been super welcoming and nice!!  I just know my 36 peeps and the patients.  I was super happy when my charge told me I would be admitting a 5 week old with respiratory issues.  It was like going "home". 
All and all it was a good night.  Lots of asking "where is..." or "has anyone seen..." Just change and I don't seem to get along very often.  So come Friday, when I'm back for my next shift - let the growing pains continue.

This is nursing....

so, here I sit at work, only a couple hours to go and let me just say - it's been a long night.  It's been one of those shifts... Of my four patients, I think I've been successful with one, maybe 2 of them. It sucks.  Makes one feel less than competent.  The one patient that was supposed to be my smooth sailing patient, hasn't been and vice versa for my more complicated. "Smooth Sailing" was supposed to go home today after a long stay - however, things happened and now they get to stay at least a day, if not 2. Understandably, they're disappointed and frustrated.  Don't get me wrong, they have been nothing but pleasant and kind to me, I just feel as if I keep failing at being their nurse. I hate that. And "Complicated" has been easy as pie, calls me Miss Nicole and thanks me for EVERYTHING.  Not kidding. Just goes to show that no matter what you think when you look at your assignment or how you feel at the beginning of your shift - you might find yourself at 5:53 in the morning longing for your shift to be over and your head to be on a pillow.  And that my friends, is nursing.






PS - I came in tonight and "Smooth Sailing" was able to go home...